Creating an altar in the dying space

October 11, 2022

By Kate Irving

Much as most of us may say we want to die at home, the reality is that most of us die in a care facility of some kind. Be that in hospital, long term care, assisted living, or palliative care/hospice. One of my intentions as a death doula is to empower people to take control of those dying spaces and make them as home-like, sacred, and personalized as possible. One way to do that is with an altar.

Recently I worked with a couple of clients’ family members to do just that. We used those rolling hospital table trays. Moved them against a wall where the dying one could see them. Windowsills can also work. Or a regular tray that can be moved around to accommodate care needs.

I found that once this suggestion was offered, the altars kind of built themselves. As if the objects were waiting to be collected together and placed with intention in a specific place. An altar space can help ground and define the energy of the room and provide focus of intention for the dying one, their people, and for staff and visitors. A space that represents a little bit of ‘home’ in the middle of a very medicalized and institutional environment. A way to take some control of that environment.

The altars have been beautiful…no pics of the client ones for privacy reasons. So just imagine with me a few of the items …... the dying one’s perfume and favourite sunglasses. Beach glass collected by a grandchild. A bunch of rosemary. A special candle. A favourite piece of artwork propped up. A Mary Oliver poem. A copy of the dying one’s personal comfort plan, describing how they wanted their dying space to be. A special crystal or rock. Cards from loved ones. A flowering plant. A guest book for visitors to leave farewell messages. The CD’s the dying one wants played. You get the idea…

Simple and beautiful. Heartfelt and heart-breaking. Such an honouring and an offering.

I witnessed staff members and visitors noticing and being interested in these altars. And respecting that space as not a place for the water glass or care items. The space defined itself as special and sacred.

So - how to do this? The following are simply suggestions – take them if they make sense to you or follow your own heart process or family tradition…

A cloth to define the space is a good way to start. Something with some sheen or texture adds richness. A special scarf or shawl adds meaning. But a couple of plain tea towels or even a piece of hospital linen will do in a pinch.

Now add and arrange stuff - objects, pictures, drawings, poems, living things, books…

Start by looking round the space – there are likely altar-type objects already in it. They may be stashed in a corner or spread around or mixed up with medical or care items or put away in a drawer. Gather them together – things that represent the dying person, their relationship with loved ones and the world, or that carry some personal or emotional connection. That represent the kind of energy you are looking to generate in this space of transition. Or are simply beautiful.

If your person is able to communicate, ask them what would be meaningful for them to see or know is in their space. Things that represent or evoke family, cultural or spiritual traditions can be special at this time, even if such traditions have faded in practice. Funny things. Sad things. Happy memories. Things that represent ‘home’ to them, that reflect who they have been in this life, what has been important to them, and perhaps the legacy they are leaving in their wake.

Next consider things that correspond to the four elements. Earth, water, fire and air. A balance is good. Air is most important for the dying one as it is the last element to leave the physical body. Bells, feathers or pictures or poems about wind or birds can represent air. The other elements are more important for the living. Earth for keeping us grounded in the material world while saying goodbye to the dying one - represented by plants, flowers, rocks etc. Water to help ease our emotional process – represented by a liquid or a fish image or a shell. Fire to remind us to eat and to move and continue to live as our loved one is dying - often represented by a candle. The elements remind us that everything we are made of, consume, and use in our lives comes from them – and returns to them. They connect us to the eternal natural cycles of birth, life, death, and rebirth.

There may be other objects to be collected from the person’s home or found outside in nature. Try putting a call out to friends or family who will be visiting – tell them about the altar and invite them to bring a small something special and to place it with intention amongst what you have already created. Don’t forget to include children in this. Prepare to be amazed by what manifests! Take pictures and share with friends and family far away if that is your way.

A word of caution about cultural appropriation. Be aware in your choices. Choose culturally neutral objects or things that flow from your own traditions and lineage. If you use things from others’ traditions, consider how they have been obtained and use them only with great respect and humility. Recognize the traditional and rightful stewards of the land you are on – and that their dead rest here in their many generations.

An altar needs tending. Keep it clean. Add to it and move things around to keep energy flowing. Nod or bow to it when you enter or leave the room. Use the objects as ways to start conversations with the dying one or visitors or staff. Light the candles (battery-operated only in health care facilities!) as evening closes in and as death nears.

Use the objects in any after-death ritual you do after your person dies. Make the gathering up and packing of them to take home a part of that ritual. Maybe include some in a funeral or memorial ceremony. Recreate a different altar in your own living or working space after your loved one’s death. It can be a sacred space that can support you in your grief and connect you energetically to your person after death.

If these family members managed to do it in health care facilities, altars can be created just about anywhere. Such a simple thing whose impact is amplified by the love and intention we bring to it. So yes – please DO try this at home folks!

Many blessings and much gratitude.